Archive for April, 2007


(this was a request by a terrible friend who wants me to fail [and get arrested]:

 I want a poem about chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear
terrorism – all of the above if possible. Here are some good terms to
choose from to help get you started:

Chemical : cyanide, arsenic, sarin, mustard, gas, phosgene, hydrogen
cyanide, toxic industrial chemical or TIC (tick)
Biological: ricin, anthrax, toxin, bacillus anthracis, botulinum, plague
Radiological: dirty bomb, cesium, cobalt-60
Nuclear: plutonium, highly enriched uranium or HEU, improvised
nuclear device or IND)

Terrorists use, with alarming aplomb,
Plutonium and the so-called “dirty bomb.”
Chemical terror includes lots of TIC*
And of course biological makes us all sick.
Nuclear: uranium, Chemical: gas
Biological also can feature anthrax.
And mustard gas, arsenic, H. cyanide,
But I better stop ‘fore I get FBI’d.**

*toxic industrial chemicals
**I am not a terrorist. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

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Take a chance
on a man from France!

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There’s no shame in They Might Be Giants,
Don’t feel badly about liking Sting.
Dust off your old Stone Temple Pilots
And admit to the joy they can bring.

There’s no harm at all in The Breeders!
And everyone digs R.E.M.
It’s time to embrace our old favorites
And stop falsely hating on them.

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No More Dirty Tuppys!

(by an adorable request – “[the requester’s boyfriend] leaves his dirty
tuppys at work for days and then brings em home and they stink and are
gross in the sink. no more dirty tuppys!”)

(I envision this to sound more like a song, En Vogue-esque)

We got a good thing
The best in the world
And it gives me joy
That I’m your baby girl.

I love taking care of you
And feeding you stuff,
But the way you repay me
Isn’t good enough.

I pack you a lunch,
A sandwich every day,
I know it’s not caviar
Or creme brulee.

But you leave the containers
At work all week,
You bring them all home
And they really reek.

So, no more dirty tuppys!
No more dirty tuppys in the sink!
No more dirty tuppys!
Those dirty, dirty tuppys stink.

(String of vocals over the repeated chorus, like “No more tupppyyyyyyyyyss yeahh yeah yeah, oh in the siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink”)

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(by request – “what if Dorian Gray was updated”)

Listen, my child, to what I say,
Regarding the life of Dorian Gray,
A beauteous teen with hazel eyes,
Poor Dorian spun a web of lies.

For Dorian’s every social sin
Erupted pimples on his chin,
If falsely he quoth his affection,
Each blemish would invite infection.

‘Ere long the lad appeared thus changed,
The face of evil quite deranged,
His MySpace profile showed the clues
Of one whose yen is to abuse.

But our fair Dorian, I.R.L.
Showed zero signs of inner hell,
The words and deeds that made us sick
Took toll upon his default pic.

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(by request – “James Franco”)

This verse was a request to write,
But I have stayed up late at night
Myself, to ponder the effects
Of James Franco and I not having sex.

Sometimes I feel like it’s a disservice
For guys like James to fail to serve us
With private visits to our houses
(Well, those of us that don’t have spouses).*

It’s bad enough that Freaks and Geeks
Is ripped from airwaves as it peaks
For Daniel is a handsome swain
Like Virgin Suicides’ Trip Fontaine.

Then, as if to prove he can,
James Franco stars in Spider-Man.
So join me, readers, in a strike —
No favors? Then no tickets! *Psych.

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(by request [kinda] – “Chumbawumba turned into a jingle” – I can’t take full credit for this. It was a joint venture. I wish I’d made up “margO’ritas”, but that is actually what O’Charley’s calls them)

(cue O’Charley’s logo, dancing)
I go sit down
But I get up again
O’Charley’s gonna get me full!

(cue close-ups of dishes)
You got potato skins
You got your jumbo shrimp
You got your whiskey sauce
You got your New York strip

(cue friends laughing, holding drinks)
You got O’beers that remind you of the good times
And margO’ritas that remind you of the better times

Cheery Voiceover (low music in background)
“At O’Charley’s, you’re always welcome to sit down, but we guarantee, you’ll want to get right back up again for our “O’all-you-can eat O’buffet”!!! Every Saturday night at O’Charley’s!!! Go, sit down!”


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