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Archive for August, 2007

NPR’s Million-Dollar Idea

(by request – the “Nina Totin’ Bag”)

My bank account’s telling me it is verboten
To pick up the tote bag they call “Nina Totin'”,
But though it’s just one of their fundraising scams,
I’d buy it if only I had thirty clams.

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Space Haiku

(by request: “Crossing the heliopause.” I was given a link to what the f a heliopause is, and I have been thinking about it ever since: The area in which the outgoing solar wind and the incoming plasma from interstellar space meet. It is the boundary of our solar system.)

Ground Control, it’s Tom.
I’m at the heliopause.
And I quit, assholes.

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The Eternal Mystery of K.B.

(by request: “bacon.” I don’t know what’s going on here. I tried to write a haiku about actual bacon but it took almost 9 minutes to come up with something really mediocre, so I threw this together in the remaining minute instead.)

I wonder what it’s like to be Kevin Bacon’s friend.
Like, is he cool with certain things?
Will he humor you with some Footloose material?
Are you allowed to tell him he can’t handle the truth?
Does he get pissed off when you’re all hanging out
And somebody says something like,
“I’m only separated from you by one degree of Kevin Bacon!”
Or does he throw the ketchup bottle at the wall
And walk out of the diner
And into the life that would have been
Had he chosen music early on,
Or explored the heady world of photography,
Or changed his name to Jimmy Jones,
Or signed up for the marines for real,
Or spent more time with stage acting,
Or married J.K. Rowling,
Back when he had the chance.

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(This was a submission from a close enough friend that I don’t need to check how long this took her to write. She is trusted. 4EVA.)

DEBORAH
Suggested song lyrics for Stevie Nicks, by a friend of mine

oh deborah
i still recall you
dancing on the shining ocean
like a cat
that took swim lessons

cat lady
dressed in velvet
cat lady
cat lady deborah

they tried to stick you in a tree
keep your heart from me
and the fireman he set you free
he set you free

oh deborah
(oooooh)
leap from the fridge so high
land on slippered feet

cat’s eyes
cat lady deborah
fly, fly away
like a cat

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(by request – “brownisaboutfeelings.” Ok, seriously, these were just the rhymes that came to me first, and I have no idea what this poem is getting at. Believe it or not, the first one I thought of was Detroit, not exploit. And I have no clue why. Does Detroit have a large population of brown people? Do they give advice? Are they really about feelings?)

Have you met my brown friend from Detroit?
At advice she is really adroit.
You tell her your probs
And then in between sobs
She’ll insist that your goal’s to exploit.

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(This wasn’t so much of a request as it was a challenge in an IM conversation, and I could have done better if I spent maybe 7 minutes on it instead of 2)

LADY JENNY
Suggested song lyrics for Belle & Sebastian from yours truly

(Verse: at a rollicking clip)
Lady Jenny so delicately pretty
She plays bingo at her local church
On Tuesday evenings before she goes to sleep
The air inside her stagecoach makes you think of costa rica
And her eyes made out of gossamer
Looked through you and said

(chorus, cue horns and strings)
LADY JENNY PRETTY GIRL
PUT ON YOUR BOXING GLOVES AGAIN
AND LET’S GO OUT INTO THE PARK
LIKE WE DID IN 1910
WHERE ALL THE DOGS ARE BARKING LOUD
AND ALL THE PARASOLS ARE BROWN
AND RAINSTORMS COME AND RAINSTORMS GO
BUT YOU BESIDE ME IS ENOUGH TO TAKE
WITH ME…
HOME

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Surprise Parties for Generals

(by request –  Well, I can’t really quote him because he just said ‘WRITE’ and then linked me to this picture:)

A friend of mine likes Southern stuff
(Jeff Davis, Stonewall, Jeb)
He’s one step short of C. War Buff,
A sentimental Reb.

But yesterday he crossed a line
From “interested” to “kitsch,”
The little, old Lee statuette
He purchased from Craigslist.

It’s not the fact that it is Lee,
Or that it’s made of tin,
It’s Lee’s expression on his face
That really does me in.

He looks as if he’s been surprised
By some such pleasant news,
Like someone’s just to him apprised
The Grays have beat the Blues.

Or even just a humbler thing,
Like “Bob, your oatmeal’s ready!”
Or “Traveller the Horse can sing!”
Or “It’s your nephew, Freddy!”

Or “Santa’s brought a special treat!”
Or “School’s been closed for snow!”
Or “General Grant’s got gross webbed feet!”
I guess we’ll never know.

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