All the Answers to the Universe

(by request – “my love for Judge Judy and why I think she
knows all the answers to the universe? It’s like she’s my religion.” Obviously, I didn’t really write this so much as compile it – and do some alterations when necessary. She doesn’t ALWAYS speak in iambic pentameter.)

“That’s the saddest story I’ve heard since Bambi.”
“You want a therapist? Try Dr. Phil.”
“Do you see my mouth moving?” “This job is so easy!”
“When you lie my eye twitches.” “Hey, I’m speaking still!”

“There’s only one attitude here and you know it.”
“Do I have the word ‘stupid’ across my own head?”
“Don’t pee on my leg, and tell me it’s raining!”
“Don’t speak, when I’m speaking, just shut it instead.”

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S8N H8A

(by request: “vanity plates”)

VNTY PL8S
EMBARSS
U, PLAYA.
EVRY TIME
U LEAVE
UR HOWS
EXCPT 4
DA JZUS
ONES BC
GOD IZ
WATCHNG
DA HIWAY

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Higher Learning

(by request – “Why/how 10 year-olds are stupid/hilarious.” And, obviously, the blame goes to Internet speak abbreviations.)

There once was a ten-year-old student
Whose manners were mostly quite prudent.
But when asked to do math,
She’d erupt into wrath,
Over learning what, like, “two plus two” meant.

When this girl went home (rather later),
She’d sit down with her calculator,
And with rapid actions
She’d subdivide fractions
While laughing, “I play a good h8r!”

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Things I Involuntarily Blurt During a Viewing of One of Those Awful “Not Fade Away” Revlon Colorist Commericals

Sheryl Crow
Will always blow.

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Passover Detective

(by request – “why were the vending machines at the gym shut down for Passover?” – DISCLAIMER: I learned this Passover info from the Internet, not from the scriptures. If you’ve got an issue, take it up with askmoses.com.) (Haha, AskMoses.com!!)

If it’s kosher Passover you want to keep,
Into your diet do not let grains creep.
Wheat, barley, oats, or even good rye,
Once leavened, must bid you on this day good-bye.
But why at the gym on our vending machines
Were there signs saying (tell me what you think this means):
“SHUT DOWN FOR PASSOVER” – Does this blockade
Mean we are forbidden to drink Powerade?

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Non-Fiction Dreams

Holy shit!
I had a dream about Chucky last night!
There was biting and evil!
And there were two of them!

This is the worst possible thing to remember suddenly when you’re at work on a Friday!

Gosh, if only
It were yesterday!
Then I could remember fondly
The dream I had about David Bowie
Working in my office and
Wearing a silver suit and
Riding a motorcycle.

Maybe tonight it will be Dame Judi Dench
Planting roses in my backyard.
I would say “I dig you!” —
And she would laugh and make me a sandwich.

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BFF

(by request – “my period snuck up on me at work today” – I didn’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities, but, like, it is a request and that’s life, and you can bet Emily Dickinson wanted to write this poem one million times as she sat in her house and chowed down on salty snacks, clutching her stomach, and kicking out people who came to give her more ink or whatever)

My period snuck up on me at work —
It crept up behind me on little cloven feet
And tapped me on the shoulder

Yesterday it slept.
Alone and peaceful it dreamt of me.
And all the fun we have together
Every fourth Thursday at three o’clock.

Today I take its hand and we
Embrace as long-lost friends might do —
It as the prodigal son,
And me as the bitchy complainer
– with a bottle of Advil
– and circles under my eyes
– and a “No can do” attitude.

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I’m Not Even Sure Who Optimus Prime Is

(by request – “why don’t you rhyme about Optimus Prime / and his upcoming feature flick” – this one was half done for me at the get-go)

I was asked to rhyme about Optimus Prime
And his upcoming feature flick.
But I’d much rather laugh with ol’ Leo and Raph
And eat pizza until I get sick.

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A Simple Dream

(by request – “people who wear 80s clothes”)

I have a friend,
Let’s call him “Jon,”
He hates it when people put 80s clothes on.

I told him, “‘Jon,’
You need to relax,
In five years the 90s (thank god) will be back.

We’ll all wear ripped jeans,
And dirty our hair,
And duct tape our sweaters when they have a tear.

Nirvana will rule,
Like bands did back then,
And guys will look like Eddie Vedder again.”

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Snips, Snails, Tails, and Kidney Stones

(by request – ahem…”kidney stones and lasers while incorporating the word ‘ureter'” – ADDENDUM: I have since learned that I am pronouncing “ureter” wrong, but I’m going to stick with it, since it’s a great rhyme and also sounds awesomer. Detractors can get stones caught in their ureter, for all I care.)

Is anything quite as unpleasant, dear reader,
As kidney stones lodged way up in your ureter?
As a lady, I’m biased and have to remind you
That screaming in childbirth we prob’ly won’t find you,
And delicately put (I’m aware what my place is),
Our abdomens hurt on a regular basis.
Hopefully, future man won’t have these bothers —
The troubles and woes of their great-great grandfathers
No stones, and (for women) no searing hot flashes
As lasers reduce all our bodies to ashes!

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