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Archive for the ‘miscellany’ Category

(by request – the viper and the history behind it were both given as background)

(Chorus):
Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The Confederate lads that moved on further south
After that old war was lost,
Committed to found a community there
In Brazil, and no matter the cost.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

And Rebel by Rebel, the lads bit the dust
(South America gave them the pox)
And one of the men hailed from Richmond VA
And to there he was sent in a box.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

In Hollywood Cem. the wood coffin arrived
And a crowd gathered ’round for the wake
But nobody saw, out of one wooden knot
Crawled a murderous black baby snake.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The python then wiggled and writhed to the banks
Of the river we fondly call “James”
Where it mated with one of the poisonous snakes,
“Copperhead” is just one of its names.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The resulting atrocity grew to ten feet,
And its venom the worst in the world,
But to make matters worse it will grab and constrict
When around you its coils are curled.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

So don’t think a century’s quite long enough
For the viper to’ve eaten its fill,
And if that were so, it would kill us for sport,
That terrible snake from Brazil.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

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Hangover Mondays (High Five)

by request – “Whose freaking idea was it to get drunk on Sunday again”

Sunday is the day of “rest”
Not the day of “wasted.”
You should spend your day
Gardening or baking or watching porn
Reading or walking or Trivial Pursuit
Not drinking, never drinking.
It doesn’t matter what game is on
Or who is getting married
Or who landed on what moon
Or what war ended in what country
Or who regained consciousness
Or which Shel Silverstein book was reissued
Or who is moving away finally
Or who split their pants at work
Or who got tickets to what Bananarama reunion tour
Or what twenty bucks was found in which pocket
Or who’s not pregnant
Or who got Tivo.

Moses

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No More Dirty Tuppys!

(by an adorable request – “[the requester’s boyfriend] leaves his dirty
tuppys at work for days and then brings em home and they stink and are
gross in the sink. no more dirty tuppys!”)

(I envision this to sound more like a song, En Vogue-esque)

We got a good thing
The best in the world
And it gives me joy
That I’m your baby girl.

I love taking care of you
And feeding you stuff,
But the way you repay me
Isn’t good enough.

I pack you a lunch,
A sandwich every day,
I know it’s not caviar
Or creme brulee.

But you leave the containers
At work all week,
You bring them all home
And they really reek.

So, no more dirty tuppys!
No more dirty tuppys in the sink!
No more dirty tuppys!
Those dirty, dirty tuppys stink.

(String of vocals over the repeated chorus, like “No more tupppyyyyyyyyyss yeahh yeah yeah, oh in the siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink”)

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(by request – “when you’re not sure if you locked your door, but you’d really rather not go back to check”)

What is this yearning?
Unmistakable burning?
This unstoppable urge
That cannot be blocked?

T’would just take a sec
To go back and check
But no, you’d rather risk that
Your door’s indeed locked.

Though you might not doubt
That thieves are locked out,
There’s something inside
Of you saying, “Make sure!!”

But you asshole, you risk it,
You’ve brains of a biscuit!
Because saving two seconds
Has too much allure.

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