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Archive for May, 2007

(by request – the viper and the history behind it were both given as background)

(Chorus):
Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The Confederate lads that moved on further south
After that old war was lost,
Committed to found a community there
In Brazil, and no matter the cost.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

And Rebel by Rebel, the lads bit the dust
(South America gave them the pox)
And one of the men hailed from Richmond VA
And to there he was sent in a box.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

In Hollywood Cem. the wood coffin arrived
And a crowd gathered ’round for the wake
But nobody saw, out of one wooden knot
Crawled a murderous black baby snake.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The python then wiggled and writhed to the banks
Of the river we fondly call “James”
Where it mated with one of the poisonous snakes,
“Copperhead” is just one of its names.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

The resulting atrocity grew to ten feet,
And its venom the worst in the world,
But to make matters worse it will grab and constrict
When around you its coils are curled.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

So don’t think a century’s quite long enough
For the viper to’ve eaten its fill,
And if that were so, it would kill us for sport,
That terrible snake from Brazil.

Beware of the James River Viper.
It hails from sunny Brazil
If it weren’t for the James River Viper
We’d swim in the James River still.

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(by request – “Please compose a piece about how it’s not weird for me to still be in
love with Robert Redford even though he’s like 70 years old.”)

Ladies, it’s OK to feel as flustered as you did
When he was in The Natural or Butch C. and Sundance Kid.
The charm of Bob is timeless, with the pleasure he can bring
As Paul in Barefoot in the Park or Hooker in The Sting.
And though Two-Thousand Seven is not Nineteen-Seventy-Three,
Bob Redford’s still as beautiful as beautiful can be.
But while you’re busy drooling over All the President’s Men,
Think fondly of his fellow fox, Paul Newman, now and then.

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Astro Shel

(by request: “What if Shel Silverstein landed on the moon?”)

Astro Shel, Astro Shel,
Flew to space inside a bell,
Had a house on Astro Moon
Wrote his wife an Astro Tune.

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Hangover Mondays (High Five)

by request – “Whose freaking idea was it to get drunk on Sunday again”

Sunday is the day of “rest”
Not the day of “wasted.”
You should spend your day
Gardening or baking or watching porn
Reading or walking or Trivial Pursuit
Not drinking, never drinking.
It doesn’t matter what game is on
Or who is getting married
Or who landed on what moon
Or what war ended in what country
Or who regained consciousness
Or which Shel Silverstein book was reissued
Or who is moving away finally
Or who split their pants at work
Or who got tickets to what Bananarama reunion tour
Or what twenty bucks was found in which pocket
Or who’s not pregnant
Or who got Tivo.

Moses

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(by request – “my friend gets to hang out with Jarvis Cocker in LA, while I’m stuck here working on stuff that I hate”)

Jarvis Cocker
Brit Pop rocker
I’d rather be washing your shirts.
My life blows
As everyone knows,
I hate school so much that it hurts.

When is the day
That I move to LA
Which is what I would much rather do?
Jarvis Cocker
Still-cool rocker
I want to do laundry for you.

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